Why You Shouldn't Climb With Us

 

Damned If Sometimes We Don't Wonder Why We Put Up With Ourselves

 

 

Well, here it is: another opportunity to toot our own horn; tell you what great human beings we are and why climbing with us is the coolest thing since your mom getting a tattoo. But you know what? You should go climb with somebody else. No, really; run away screaming. Here's why:

 

We expect you to be responsible for yourself

Near as we can tell, it was sometime in the late eighties that it all went to hell in a shopping cart. It started when some personal injury lawyer (the bastard) representing his moron client forced Chouinard Equipment into chapter 11 bankruptcy.

The resulting flood of lawsuits by personal injury lawyers (the bottom-feeding bastards) arguing that their clients were complete and utter morons who should have been warned of the dangers inherent to climbing — coupled with bleeding heart juries handing out multimillion dollar awards like acid hits at a Dead concert — signaled the end of the carefree days of the climbing lifestyle as practiced by a crazy few of us on the fringe.

Back in the day, we who called ourselves climbers practiced a little something we liked to call personal responsibility; climbing partners relied on each other, and on their knowledge and skills, to overcome most any misfortune that might possibly befall them. No cellphones, no GPS, no personal locator beacons ... no goofy Internet forums.

Sadly, today's teeming masses of self-described climbing "enthusiasts" are not cut from that same rugged, self-sufficient cloth, and a sprained ankle justifies a frantic 911 cell phone call. Look, people: bugs bite, fingers get cold, and shit can and will happen. We like to sum up our philosophy in one word, and that word is: pull up your big-girl panties and suck it up, princess.

And will somebody please tell us just what the hell a climbing enthusiast is, anyway? Is that like a hobbyist? Maybe they should collect stamps instead.

 

We will (gasp) make you participate in the actual work of expedition mountaineering

Sure, we use porters and pack animals whenever possible, but once in a while we all have to strap up and haul the mail. That hill isn't just going to climb itself, you know.

We are not a "boutique" service that drags bored rich wannabes up big, scary peaks. If you want to brag that you conquered the mountain or some such equally lame crap, then you'll have to do it under your own power; to us there's no other way.

So, no, we won't carry your shit for you, and, no, we won't shortrope you to the top. Climbing is work, and climbing requires a certain amount of physical effort and perseverance. Mountaineering has been described as the art of suffering with style, or, in the words of American alpinist Marc Twight, "It doesn't always have to be fun to be fun." Pay your dues and the rewards will come.

 

Fly, be free

Hey, we enjoy a good addict/enabler relationship as much as the next guy, but we can't stay together forever.

Sadly, we are currently suffering through the so-called modern age of climbing. A time during which great hordes of poorly trained, ill-informed sheep, when they're not busy talking about climbing on lame Internet forums, spill forth from the plastic gyms whence they spawned, filling the air with their exuberant cries of "send it, brah", and fouling the rock with rap-drilled bolts within half-an-arm's reach of cracks that would swallow nuts like Madonna.

Our goal is that you'll someday light out from beneath our wing and go off to plan and execute wicked cool climbing expeditions of your own. It is toward that happy little end that we expect you to help out during camp set-up, at meal times, hauling loads to higher camps, and with all manner of fun, climbing related chores that you'll eventually have to do for yourself anyway.

Think about it: it's a climbing expedition, not a friggin' spa. If it were climate controlled and comfy it would be called a climbing gym, in which case it would suck.

Except for all the hotties and maybe the smoothie bar.

 

So there you have it

Just a few of the many reasons you shouldn't climb with us ... under any circumstances ... ever.

Of course, if you're a glutton for abuse or certifiably brain damaged, feel free to drop us a line and we'll try to talk some sense into your head one last time.

Go ahead; make our day: climb@expedition-logistics.com

 

 

Little Miss "Queen of Wasting Time".